I Give Up

Letter to Mentor – hurt and discouraged by the lack of change and response from her 9 year old mentee who is living in a Children’s Home.

The first thing we want to say is that we value you as a mentor and we appreciate every hour of time you have given and all the effort you have put into making this relationship work. We know it has been hard and you have had to dig deep, but we also know that it’s this very thing that has made an impact on your mentee – even though you can’t see it. And you have likely also grown from the experience; exercising such perseverance and commitment despite the outward appearance of “failure”.

We cannot fully know what is going on inside of your mentee emotionally, nor can we understand the impact that her background has had on her ability to form strong bonds and attachments. However what we do know, and what every mentorship programme that works with vulnerable children will tell you, is that the mere act of showing up week after week, being present and showing her that you care enough about her, despite the fact that she isn’t “behaving” in a way that encourages your efforts, has made a huge difference in her life and she will carry this with her into adolescence and adulthood.

If only we as mentors could know how little self-esteem and confidence these children have we would have greater understanding of why it is that they don’t respond in a “normal” way. Not only do they not have confidence in themselves, but very little confidence in adults who are the ones responsible for the pain and hurt they have suffered through no fault of their own. Our expectation of mentoring should not be to see transformation happen now, but to be a conduit through which transformation can take place at its own pace. Some mentors report not seeing any change in their mentees whatsoever during the mentorship period, but it has been related to them years later by the mentee who sought them out that the time they spent together impacted significantly on their lives and led them to make certain life changing decisions as adults.

Please don’t see this as a failure on your part. You are showing up, you are consistent and if nothing else you are showing your mentee that not all adults reject and disappoint her. This is enough. You are enough.

Your Mentorship Team

Into the Arena!

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” Theodore Roosevelt, 1910.

Our Arena belongs to every South African. Every person who lives in this country, partakes of its resources, contributes to its economy, and calls it Home has the opportunity, the duty, to step into the arena and to dare greatly.

As citizens  we are each responsible to be active, law-abiding members of society. Furthermore, we have an an obligation to care for those who are less fortunate.

We face a social crisis in South Africa. There are approximately 11 million child support grants issued monthly to households, caregivers and families who are unable to provide for the needs of the children in the home. That’s 11 million children in a population of 52 million; 21 % of our total population. The crisis exists, and there will be no resolution until we all take part in the solution.

The crisis may seem insurmountable and most of us feel that any small contribution that we might make will not have a significant impact.

This is where we say: Dare greatly, step into the arena! Strive valiantly, spend yourself in a worthy cause! Be brave, be a mentor!

The truth is that the youth of South Africa will inherit the country. Generation makes way for generation and it’s the obligation of preceding generations to raise up the new generation in the way that they should go; to empower them and teach them how to be accountable for the great gift they are about to inherit.

Our youth are inheriting a country of incredible potential, natural beauty and rich in resources and provision. Yet, they are also inheriting a history of poverty, discrimination and pain. For many of them this is their personal history as well.

Frederick Douglas said, “It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men and women“. (Bold wording our own).

If we do not each take a hand in building strong children we will all face a situation of a broken next generation inheriting the country and moving into society carrying all the pain, hurt and anger of their past.

Youth mentorship gives each person the opportunity to impact and make a difference to one life. That one life will lead to an enormous difference in the future when that one child has completed his education, graduated college or university, entered into the job market, is earning and providing for his family, contributing meaningfully to society and raising up the next generation.

American studies have gone so far as to put a monetary value on youth mentorship in terms of how it positively impacts the economy because children who are mentored are empowered to make good decisions for their lives.

Mentorship; stepping into the arena, is not just to help a child but to build South Africa for ourselves and our families.

Theodore Roosevelt also said, “Do what you can, with what you have, where you are”. You can be a friend and a support to one vulnerable child; you have time, experience, resources, LIFE – use it! There are children in your community and vicinity who need what you have to give. Be brave. Be a Mentor!

The Price of a Life Lived Well

Profit is usually the best indicator of success in the business world. Stakeholders and investors need to see what the return on investment is in order to determine whether or not the business is profitable. Apple® reported profits of approximately $18 billion in the last three months of 2014. This was a record high. Successful? The number of zeros speak for themselves!

In the NGO/charity world measuring success can be much more challenging. Often times these organisations deal in a currency that is not recognised by SARS or listed on the JSE: human lives. Measuring success must then look a bit different.

What is the monetary value of a human life? It might sound callous but various industries actually assign a rand and cent value to one human life. Health care must be cost effective; in other words, the cost of treatment should not be more than the life it aims to support. Risk analysis also puts a price on a human head. If a human life is worth x Rands, how much spending can government justify on disaster prevention to keep people safe? Insurance, environmental impact assessments, economics – all put a price on life. The amount is usually calculated by looking at various factors such as gross earnings, taxes, consumption in terms of economic development, age and gender.

If a human life has a monetary value can we then measure the return on investment in a child who has been mentored?

A large-scale research study¹ of a well-known mentorship programme in the USA calculated the return on investment of mentorship to show the financial benefit to society. Researchers compared the lives of 500 individuals who were beneficiaries of the Big Brother Big Sister Mentorship Programme against a control group from comparable socio-economic backgrounds who were not mentored as children.

The study found that throughout their working lives former mentees earned on average $315,000 more than those in the control group. Each former mentee would generate an average of $32,154 in additional tax revenue; $49,819 in increased buying power; $5,856 in additional volunteer work and $890 in donations to charities. It costs approximately $5000 dollars for one child to remain in the mentorship programme and the social return on investment is between $18 and $23 dollars for every dollar invested in the programme. This clearly demonstrates a strong economic argument for mentorship.

Bright Stars currently has 83 children who are being actively mentored. It costs us R 4 000 per child for one year of mentorship. This cost ensures that sufficient mentors are recruited, properly trained, thoroughly screened, and carefully matched with a child whose needs can be satisfied by that particular mentors strengths. Every mentorship relationship is monitored and evaluated and measured for relationship quality.

For your R 4 000 what does success look like?

A child who is able to love themselves, see themselves as valuable to society, plan for the future, and impart love to others. And so the cycle of poverty is broken and the cycle of love begins.

To donate, please email us on info@peaceagency.org.za for banking details or debit order forms.

Reference

1. Mentoring pays off in hard dollars. http://www.bbbslangley.com/site-bbbs/media/langley2012/Mentoring%20pays%20off%20in%20hard%20dollars.pdf Website accessed 11-06-2015

By Irene Schoeman, Regional Coordinator – Bright Stars Gauteng

It’s a hard landing without soft-skills

“I’ve never used an ATM.”

Two boys, orphan refugees from the Democratic Republic of Congo, grew up in a Child and Youth Care Centre (CYCC) in Pretoria. Here they were safe. Here they had regular, healthy meals and could attend school – theirs was a childhood with significantly more care, provision and hope than many other children in South Africa face.

The boys spent their childhoods in the CYCC until age 18 when they had to leave the facility and make a life for themselves in the real world. Fortunately a generous supporter of the CYCC offered the boys the opportunity to work in his restaurant as waiters in order to assist them with the transition into independent living.

The boys did well, but later confessed that it was challenging for them being out on their own, having to face all the complexities of being an independent adult. Growing up in an institution satisfied their basic needs allowing them to survive and acquire basic life-skills. Unfortunately, due to the nature of institutionalised care these young men missed out on many learning opportunities that we so easily take for granted.

Working long hours at the restaurant the young men saved their money and decided to open a bank account for the first time in their lives. When they were then faced with the task of withdrawing some of their hard-earned cash, the men had to confess that they have never used an ATM before…

Children are taught many of life’s soft-skills through everyday experiences that they have with their parents, friends, teachers and other significant adults in their lives. These are the skills that help us to get through our daily tasks and activities, and allow us to engage with one another with sensitivity and compassion. When children do not have proper adult role-models they lack this basic knowledge of how to get through from day-to-day completing “normal” daily activities.

Teaching a child any skill, from how to politely answer a phone to good dental health, from how to save and budget prudently to how to use an ATM, enables him or her to be better equipped to succeed in life.

So let’s take the time to invest in a child, and in so doing, invest in our own future.

Writtern by Irene Schoeman, Regional Coordinator – Bright Stars Gauteng

Hearts Open When Hands Work

Some of the most important conversations I’ve had were not done face-to-face rather shoulder-to-shoulder. I can think of quite a few momentous heart-to-heart conversations which took place either hiking up a mountain, peeling potatoes, folding socks or cleaning out the garage…it seems that while one’s hands or feet are actively engaged, one’s thoughts start to condense into little nuggets of sharable information.

Sometimes a face-to-face setting can be rather daunting and does not encourage us to share our more vulnerable thoughts and emotions. I think it is the non-threatening, comfortable space that exists between two people who are quietly working together that makes it easier to share these thoughts and feelings.

My theory for why this is true is as follows:

Firstly, any activity that requires concentration allows one to escape from the usual tangled web of thoughts that often clutter our minds. It becomes impossible to stress about our daily worries if you are counting crochet stitches, trying to remember to breathe whilst saluting the sun in Yoga, or determining where to move your knight to avoid checkmate. The more you focus on an activity the more relaxing it becomes.

This brings me to the second reason: you need to trust somebody to relax in their presence. Achieving, discovering or experiencing something together creates a bond between two people.

What follows naturally when two people practise a hobby, sport or even just do a task together is this safe environment of trust – ideal for sensitive conversations.

I think this is important to bear in mind in any relationship, but especially in a mentorship relationship. It could be a very worthwhile investment in the relationship to find a hobby or activity to do with your mentee that could provide such a comfortable space – a relaxed environment of trust – where conversation can take place in an unforced manner.

A few ideas:

• Learn a new skill together, something like embroidery, bonsai or origami or even a new language.
• Make a scrap book or collage together. This can be a great way to help the mentee get a vision  for their future.
• Write a poem, comic strip, story or play together – encourage him/her to be creative, you could add illustrations.
• Read a book together – a few pages during each meeting and take turns reading. Don’t forget to do the voices!
• Play a sport or a game (Play catch, soccer, hop-scotch, Monopoly, chess, build a puzzle, catchers, stuck-in-the-mud).

All these activities should be fun in their own right but the idea behind each is to create a comfortable space where conversation can take place, where teachable moments can be seized and you can chat, shoulder-to-shoulder, heart-to-heart.

Written by Irene Schoeman: Gauteng Regional Coordinator

Mentors help to make good decisions

Why do children need mentors?

During the recent BRIGHT STARS MENTORSHIP PROGRAMME training held in Kempton Park the legal aspects of the age of consent for children came under the spotlight once again.

Under South African law children under 18 are considered minors who are unable to act independently with regards to certain matters without assistance from a parents or legal guardian. There are however exceptional circumstances under which children can legally make specific decisions and act independently.

For example, in South Africa the legal age for a child to consent to an HIV test, surgery or obtaining contraception is 12. A girl can consent to the termination of a pregnancy at any age without the knowledge of a parent or legal guardian.

This is the law’s attempt to provide solutions to the severe rape crisis and violence against women and children that is rife in South Africa, however, it does not solve the root problem. Children need to be taught about the consequences of their actions and that everything done today will have an impact on tomorrow. Without the rudder of sound parental guidance, children are left directionless and 12 year old girls need contraception, HIV tests and abortions.

I just realised once again how important it is to have responsible, reliable adult input if you are a child facing the difficult decisions life will offer. How much more in the case of vulnerable children who often don’t have good role-models in their lives and who are not aware of the consequences of their actions and choices.

A good mentor empowers his mentee to make the best possible decisions by sharing his own experience and helping the mentee to have access to enough information to make decisions that will benefit himself and those affected by his choices now and in the future.

Reference:

S Afr Med J 2010; 100: 247-249.

Written by Irene Schoeman: Regional Coordinator Bright Stars Gauteng

New Year’s Resolution!

Every new year people begin with well-intentioned resolutions: this year I will drink less coffee, spend more time with my family, fix the bathroom door, and almost without exception: this year I will exercise more.

In my personal search for an exercise routine to achieve my own fitness goals this year, I came across this quote: “There is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up.” ― John Holmes.

What a thought! Many people fearlessly pursue a gruelling fitness routine to make them feel better about themselves. We sweat and bend and lift and push until oxygen rushes through our veins, our brains are flooded with feel-good stress fighting chemicals and we leave the gym with a red face, sweaty t-shirt and a smile.

Research has shown that meaningful social interactions activate similar chemicals and parts of our brains which make us feel good.

Here is a suggestion for a new year’s resolution: Let’s reach down and lift somebody up. It does not matter where you are in life, you will always be able to help somebody else, and take them along on your way up in life.

So this is our suggestion for a new type of exercise routine in 2015:

Run up the courage to become involved in somebody’s life.

Stretch yourself beyond your comfort zone. Whether it is in getting to know somebody from a different culture, age or income group, or if it requires you to make a sacrifice.

Shake off the fear that you cannot be a good friend or mentor. We all are unique and nobody is qualified with your exact genetic makeup and life experiences. You have something so special to offer, something that nobody else has!

Pull up your socks, don’t procrastinate or find excuses not to become involved. There is no time like the present. Start changing somebody’s life today. You can sign up to become a Bright Stars Mentor and inspire a child to become the best he or she can be!

And reach down to lift up a child in need!

May this this be a fit, healthy year for you all!

Written by Irene Schoeman: Regional Coordinator – Bright Stars Gauteng

A Season for Giving

It is that time of year again when shopping malls ring with cheerful Christmas carols and sparkle with tinsel and bright red bows. Shops stock their shelves with seductive delicacies, toys and electronics to tempt any man, woman and child that braves their isles. Work days are long, hot and invaded with thoughts of beautiful beaches, mountain pools and forest walks, story books, pool side braais and such other holiday treats.

It is also the time of year when people are more aware of the needy and afflicted. The Season for Giving it has been dubbed. Many wonderful initiatives aim to provide the orphaned and the poor with a gift on Christmas day. These initiatives serve to brighten the day for so many needy people but also to instil a spirit of selflessness amongst the givers. It is indeed always more blessed to give than to receive – a principle only really to be understood once practiced.

Yet, one cannot help but wonder about the worth of such seasonal giving. Unfortunately the impact is short lived and the giver might still be feeling good about his or her efforts, whilst for the recipient Christmas is another 364 difficult days away…

Mentorship, on the other hand, gives the long-lasting gift of empowerment. The aim of mentorship is to help the mentee to make better choices and have access to better opportunities in life. A mentor, in a sense, helps his mentee to access his own gifts in life. By giving of his or her time and heart to the mentoring relationship, the mentor also teaches the joy of giving to his or her mentee.

I want to encourage everybody: Give! It is indeed a Season for Giving. Give a shoe box full of stationary to a child, spoil a homeless person with a delicious meal. Treat a granny to a manicure or take Christmas treats to your local old age home or police station. Give a gift to the security guard working on Christmas day. Donate part of your bonus to a reputable charity. Decide as a family not to give gifts to each other but rather to orphanage, animal shelter or church. Give! It is always more blessed to give than to receive.

But apart from all these once-off gifts, consider giving of your time to mentor a child in need. Mentorship is a gift that invests in a better future for a vulnerable child and therefor in a better future for this country.

By Irene Schoeman: Regional Coordinator Bright Stars Gauteng

Bright Stars http://www.brightstarsmentors.org.za

How to Embark on a Mentorship Journey with Bright Stars

Make the decision to be the change you want to see!

Enrol for the training session.

New mentors must complete the application documents and screening procedure

Team up with your mentee! Meet your little star on Match-day.

Open your ears (and heart) to the stories of your mentee – listen learn and love!

Relationship-relationship-relationship! Being a mentor is not about giving material things, but about getting to know and be known by your mentee.

Self-esteem. Encourage your little star. Help him to believe in himself and realise that he has value and worth in this world.

Hope. There is hope for a bright future for your mentee help her to see that!

Inspiration. Share your own stories of hardships and triumphs. Your life lessons could inspire your mentee to make the right decisions. It might not be easy to make the right choices, but it helps if your mentee knows that you believe in him!

Perseverance. It might take some time to get to know your mentee. Remember these children might have been hurt and abandoned in the past and hesitate to trust you. Persevere! Just be there for your mentee and let them know you will be there for them this year, not judging, just caring! Loving them just as they are, a Bright Little Star!

By Irene Schoeman: Gauteng Regional Coordinator

Our next training session is being held in Gauteng on 31 January 2015! Register now by emailing infogauteng@peaceagency.org.za

Bright Stars – A Programme of The Peace Agency

The Option to Soar

The Adoption Companion

Helen Keller said, “One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.”

If you have ever seen an eagle soaring you will know that the sight is majestic. The effortless grace with which it spans the skies and the unfathomable heights it breaches somehow fills the observer with a sense of potential, of greatness that needs to be grasped and possessed. The untethered beauty makes us earthbound creatures envious of the freedom that the eagle was born to, the opportunity to view the world the through God’s eyes.

A fallen eagle on the other hand is a sight so painful, so devastating. The cruelty of it excruciating. Bedraggled, alone and forgotten the eagle drags its injured limb along the ground it was made to soar over. Attempt after feeble attempt to spread its wings and fly are futile. The very God-given ability that defines its existence…

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